In Flight Attendant School we are drilled and assigned to memorize all kinds of announcements. Pre-board, takeoff, landing, and emergency announcements are all some of the announcements we need to know.

The unfortunate facts are that it seems that not many of the passengers are listening to our announcements, and that our own airline is constantly changing the announcements.

In Flight Attendant School you will be told to never alter the Safety Announcements. Your instructors will try to convince you that the full wrath of the Company, the FAA, and the gods of Announcements will seek and destroy you.

Our Flight Attendant Careers are full of boring moments. Same thing, different day type stuff. I like to think of myself as a bit of a rebel. I’d like to share with you some announcements I have borrowed in order to get the passengers attention, and to lighten up some tense moments.

As we were landing in Detroit, where the runway can be compared to a street in Baghdad, I announced, “Ladies and gentlemen we will encounter bumps between the runway and the gate. This is not my fault. This is not the Captains fault. This is the asphalt.”

One of the most annoying moments that happens every day revolves around your beverage and snack service. We make the appropriate announcements not once but twice, yet within the first few rows into the service, someone always asks, what do you have?

Try this, “In a few moments our Flight Attendants will be starting a beverage and snack service. Included are Coca Cola products, and five snack options. Please listen carefully as FAA regulations strictly prohibit our Flight Attendants from repeating these options.”

During the Safety Announcement this usually will get your passengers attention, “In the event of a sudden loss of Cabin Pressure, mask will fall from the compartment above your head. Stop screaming, put on your mask. If you are traveling with a small child or someone that is acting like a small child, put your mask on first before assisting your child. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”

And finally, after landing, “As you exit the airplane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be divided evenly among the Flight Attendants. Please do not leave any children, spouses or mother-in laws.”

We like to thank-you for flying US Airways today, we would like to remind you that no one loves you or your money more than US Airways.”

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